Friday, August 29, 2003

You are Not Ready to Date Again

And deep down you probably know it.

Your ex is the number one thing on your brain.

And you're still suffering from the post break-up blues.

This is when you need to take care of yourself -

And take a break from men (especially your ex)



Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.




Just the usual ding ding dongs

geez. everyone decided e day was not gonna be well-spent clubbing.
but look, what happened again????

nicole, mahenny, me. we all had plans.
i was gonna meet someone.
nicole was gonna meet up joyce and mahenny.

yep. i didnt go sch.
yes, yes. i know. im getting out of hand.
but i didnt want to go since it was teacher's day.
and school wasnt gonna end till 1.
might as well skip i thought.
nic accompanied me to the polyclinic.
gosh, im really outdated.
the polyclinics now look like hospitals. so high-class! heh.
e last time i went to a polyclinic, was erm, 7 yrs i think?
tt time, e benches were made out of wood.
and only those fans hanging from the ceiling. and they would call out for ur name when it was ur turn.
there wasnt such thing as a queue number.
and their uniform looked like crap! heh.
and the waiting hrs were like, 2hrs or so.. can die.
it was even better than some private clinics i went. and much cheaper!
which also means more money for shopping. hah
but thankfully, our technology and economy is improving.
love the govt. -giggles-

nicole and i went tanning after that.
felt my tan line was fading. geez. looked horrible.
had to get e healthy glow back again. heh.
it also camouflages my fats. haha.
heh. im not as tanned as i wanted to be, but well im still satisfied with it.
at least e tan line is visible. la~ la~ la~
fell asleep while tanning. e sun went down. but it was good in a way.
there was breeze. so much for sweating it out under e sun.
felt much cooler.
its a sad thing, the hunky guys only go to sentosa, not PUBLIC SWIMMING COMPLEX!
heh. bad for nic and me. darn..

headed back to her place. she took her shower.
then we came over to my place.
got ready to go out.
initially, i was suppose to meet my friend at 630.
but as u guys know, girls love to look pretty and take their time to dress up for u.
so APPRECIATE IT and STOP COMPLAINING. hah.
i finally decided to meet at 830 instead. at least i wouldnt have to rush.

flagged a cab. hopped on and off to town.
mahenny was at MANGO. went with nic to see him.
didi was with him too.... yuck. she wasnt very friendly.
kinda stuck up attitude. dont like. eeee....
anyways, i left them. headed to meet my friend.

reached there. his phone was off. figured it was something to do w e reception thingy.
checked out some clothes i wanted to get. too expensive!
then he called. we were gonna have dinner at sakae sushi.
gracie came to look for me.
-darling, i wished u didnt have to go home. then we can spend time together. he hardly go out as often anymore.-
heh.she thinks my friend, raihan, is hunky and cute. haha.
exact sentiments darlings. -jumps up and down in excitement-

he's really witty. a great sense of humour.
he's really nice... very gentlemanly.
it was awkward at first. but then things turned out well ;p
well, its good that we can relate to each other.
a person who you can talk to. haha. i foresee more debates between us. hah.

we were actually talking so much bout our childhood, family and life, that we were still in the restaurant though everyone else left already.
hah. if i hadnt asked if he wanted to leave, we would probably have been chased out.
headed to embargo, since there was plenty of time more.
the ambience was nice. it was that same view.... the one when i had spent time at the Merlion, over-looking the sea.
e sound of the waves, accompanied by the breeze that blew through my hair, sort of comforted me.
missed so many things, but im not sure either if things can ever be settled.
stopped myself from thinking. i wasnt there to reminisce about my problems anyway.
it was purely a night out, to bury all my thoughts.
heard some of his stories. his life was somehow similiar to mine.
frienndships being taken forgranted, things going wrong in relationships. we had a common ground.
our thinking were on the same wavelength.
except that he thinks even though its good career women have ambitions, they should still know how to cook. haha.
he reminds me of justin somehow.
like, when we were ordering drinks, i joked about seawater. and he really went to get it.
hah. silly. justin used to do such things too..
he challenged me to drinking the seawater. yep. and that not-wanting-to-lose-out-on-a-guy me, obviously took up the challenge.
i drank half of it, and he e other half. but i couldnt stop complaining after that.
i swear it tasted like crap, with all the salt, oil, and i dunno what else. -shows disgusted face-
well, i couldnt turn down a challenge right? hah.
i still couldnt decide what to have. so he just ordered something for me. it was nice.
but i dont know what its called. its alcohol anyway, so yeps.

everything was going fine, just when ...joyce decided to message me with this: jann, where are you? wanna come down to hendrix?
i was like -see no evil-
hehe. and of course how could i resist temptation.
yeps. i went down. raihan didnt mind so yeps.
ordered a vodka redbull. Kitty gave me this smile which was really cheeky.
hah, she looked like she was questioning bout this guy. but pls, tts not my boyfriend.
but anyways she didnt have to ask me for 25 bucks, and he galdly paid 50bucks for it. so, whatever.
maybe i should get guys to go clubbing and buy jugs, then she wouldnt hate me anymore...lol.
i kinda felt bad. it wasnt his kind of music but still he didnt complain..
jeez, shouldnt have dragged him along. all these zouk people..bleah.
met everyone, except my darling angie. geez.
didnt really have much fun at hendrix, it wasnt really packed.
i didnt know how, but eventually i was talking to shaun. even playing around w him.
sad thing. mariah's last day today at hendrix. gonna miss that sweetheart. not sure if i might drop by tonight.
she's so sweet and nice. like her ;p

i saw justin. he was sitting there.
didnt want to talk to him or what. i didnt want to start crying. there at hendrix. where so many people could see.
and worst of all, not in front raihan. hah. i might freak him out so bad.
there was still something i was feeling. im not sure what was it.
but i chose to ignore it. i didnt want to ruin the night just like that. everything was going so well.
didnt want to spoil it just like that.
i was feeling troubled even though i was in da club. but i just let it get sucked away by the music.

raihan wasnt suppose to drink. nor stay up so late.
he had a run w his boys at 6am.
but he accompanied me. and he was already feeling tired from the day's work.
jeez. felt really bad after that. and he spent so much money. -sticks out tongue-
he wanted to send me home even though he lived at jurong.
had to spare him all this trouble.
i sense a strong friendship. hopefully i wont be treated the way ive been by some people.

shared a cab home with shaun, joyce and eugene instead.
and they made me the last person to alight when i could be the first.
stupid eugene all ur fault!! -hmmp!-
thanx god e uncle didnt charge me the 70cents. lol...
i had no change.

came home. i was damn tired. but still i was online. heh.
talked to a few long time buddies. and my cuzzy overseas.
finally slept at 5. i couldnt keep my eyes open.

shoutout to rachie: heys honey. i didnt know what happened last night. but seemed distracted and upset. not gonna probe into it. but u feel u need to talk to me, rememebr that im always here for u like u will be for me too aiight. hotline to call when ure bored, need entertainment, need to bitch, need to vent anger, or theres nobody to talk den i be sustitute also can. love ya ;p -tight tight hugssssssss-

[Try This.....]

Type the reverse of google "elgoog" in www.google.com and click on "I am feeling Lucky" button.
See what happens....

*here's a story for u guys. to tell u how much i love u all. thanks for ur time ;p*

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls,career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
"Well, he didn't! forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he t hought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the door! way, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered.
Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
"The box is gone," he said.
"What box? " Mom asked.
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.
It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No
one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.

Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.


the lass reminisces at 9:57:00 PM [comment]

she is falling low.find her escape.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Cheated and whats not

woke up with tears rolling down my cheeks.
i shouldnt be crying. no, this is so wrong. but i couldnt stop either.
whats the use of crying now?

i believe guys are bastards no matter how nice they are.
because lust stays in them for eternity.
but i never stood to my principle when i was dating justin.
a big big mistake.
i should never have been so naive to think he's different from all other guys ive met.
he is afterall, a guy.

he cheated on me. jeez.
how could the thought of me cheating on him even occured in his mind.

theres are tons of reasons for me to love me.
now, there are even more for me to hate him.

yea. when i wasnt talking to him e two weeks, everyone thought that i was probably cheating on him.
i didnt blame them for thinking this way.
anyway, justin ALWAYS played his game well.
he gained enough sympathy on his side. thus, making me e bad guy.
what can i say? there wasnt a need for me to explain myself.
i couldnt even be bothered what others thought of me.
if you are my friend, u wouldnt even doubt me.

yep. so its true.
friends doubted him, but, i trusted him.
he cheated on me.
finding out some things about what he did behind my back was bad enough.
but i found out more than i should have. now it hurts so much....
like a spear piercing through my heart.

Sasha told my friend some stuff who later conveyed the message to me.
yep. i admitted i felt sasha was being a bitch.
she made it seem like she was doing it for my own good.
yea. and i hated her for that. but now, my views have changed.
i believe she actually had good intentions.

Her side of the story:
justin has been asking her out many times durig that 2 weeks i stopped talking to him.
he even kissed her on the day of her birthday when i wasnt around. NICE justin.
he tried to get intimate with her and stuff but she just rejected all of his advances.

His side of the story:
HE admitted that he went out with her once, and only had dinner, then went home.
nothing else. he swore upon this.

last night. it was bothering me. what angie told me.
talked to shaun bout it.
our conversation:

me:
did u convey my msg?
Shaun says:
yeah i did
what did he say?
and what the hell does he go ard telling ppl?
he nv tell me anytink l;ah
juz say he forgetin all tis
ok..if he wants tt way
i dono lah
tink u 2 sld tok
instead of aviodin and assumin stuff
thing is...i found out some shit. and its really disturbing. im really not in state to talk to him or wadeva.
precisley
u found out some shit
he say he found out some shit
its all assumption
but i read his blog. he meant as if we were over..but we didnt discuss anything bout a breakup or wat.
hiakz
sometimes
miscommuniation is a big deal
but since he wants a breakup, then i think its jsut tt
i dono lah
all i can say is talk
ok lemme tell u what i found out then
alrite
he's been asking sasha out. e time i wasnt talking to him
serious?
i mean its fine if he meets up a friend or wadeva. i dun care
thing is, he's been aksing her out a lot of times n she rejected him.
oh ok
and what upset me is, he's e one who bitches to me about her, den he does this
serious?
hiakz i also dono bout tat
and on the night of her bd, at hendrx, he kissed her. just nice, WHEN I WASNT ARD.
ironically, he always turns up at hendrix whenever he knew i was going. shows tt he doesnt trust me.
french?
no it wasnt french. it was on e cheek. i knwo im makin a big fuss. but he shldnt have done tt.
knowing how much i hated her...and he told me he would never have any physical contact w her...on HIS OWN ACCORD.
plus he rants about how much he hates her, den kisses her? controversy.
erm okok
but a peck on da cheek is nothin rite
it wasnt like the hi-bye kinda thing. but it looked intimate...
fuck,,i cant believe it even happened,
oh
well
hiakz i also dono
and from what i know, he was trying to strike up conversations w her...MANY TIMES
to spike u?
and which bf goes ard telling strangers tt he and his gf arent doing well? i undertsand his habit of 'gaining sympathy' , but its too much when he says' she hasnt been talking to me at all for 2 week' when someone simply asks 'hows jann'
tell me, am i suppose to talk calmly to him liek tt?
obviously he knows sasha wants to break us up..yet he doesnt open his eyes BIGGER. yea, sasha's a slut. she prob 'seduced' him. but wld anythign have happened if he didnt accept her advances? fuck him
to spike u?---no, to substitute her w me when i was talkign to him. what a fucker. yea he's ur friend bla bla bla.... but i dont think u shld help him, when he does such shit behind my back, when ive nv once cheated on him! fuck, so many i was so damn tempted but i didnt. for what's sake? and he fucking has e guts to do this. he thinks ill nv find out..yea right. seriously, im beginning to wonder
if eveyrthing he's told me before was true. he prob still likes sasha.
he nv did like sasha lahj
wadeva ballz..i so fucking dont trust him now...
hiakz
turst is da main shit of all relationships
its not love
u must trust
yea so what if i trust him. look what happened when i did?
u r juz assumin tinks
juz like how he is assumin tinks bout u
he thinks i was having fun the 2 weeks i ddint talk to him? fuck ballz...ask ard.. then he'll know what kinda fuck shit life i was going thru
ok i dun care alreayd..
both also assumin tinks
he assumin u cheatin on him
u assume he cheeatin on u
den
how
seriously theres no point..even if we clear it this thing, tt stupid sasha is gonna start some shit again.. fuck ballz im gonna ruin her engagement fuck!
nvm then, let him think im cheatin on him.. anyways eveyrone thinks im a whore. so yea. and it doesnt matter, becoz he didnt respect in e first place.

nice move. justin. but not nice enough.
i couldnt believe u actually had the cheek to suspect me of betraying u, when u were the who cheated on me...
and i have to admit u were really dumb to think i wouldnt find out. and that sasha would even cover up for u.
sorry boy, but things dont always work out your way.

shaun told him what i said. we talked bout it.
he denied eveyrthing. what could i say...?
i didnt have any evidence...

i joined nicole and e rest at Wu bar.
really felt a need to be outta e house.
somewhere crowded. where i could just forget all my problems.
people around me. it hid the loneliness and depression in me.

He smsed me. said he needed to talk.
i didnt think there was a need at all. but he continously flooded my inbox.
i got pissed off. and called him.

me: what do you wanna talk bout? say now.
justin: what am i lying to u about?
me: you know it. why bother asking?
justin: ok. i dont know. u tell me now what i did.
Me: my friends told me some stuff u did behind my back
justin: what did your friends tell u?
me:u have been asking out sasha many times when i wasnt talking to u. and u even kissed her at hendrix, coincidentally when i wasnt around.
Justin: i only went out with her ONCE. Who said I WENT OUT WITH HER MORE THAN ONCE?? (he goes on playing dumb, but unconvincingly)had dinner then went home. and bout the kissing thing, it was a birthday kiss.
me: are u sure u went out once? ONCE only? so what if its her birthday, it doesnt give u a right to kiss her.
justin: yes. I SWEAR only once. she's a friend. cant i give my friend a kiss on her birthday?
ME: dont fucking lie to me.
Justin: why wont u believe me? y would u believe what other people said?? dont u trust me?
me: cause ure a fucking liar. honestly, i dont trust u at all. in fact, i trust sasha more.
justin: how do u know she not's lying?
me: i know she wouldnt. ure lying just to save ur own ass. stop playing dumb with me.
justin: really i swear...im not lying.
me: k. i ask u one last time. how many times did u go out w her?
justin: once only i swear.
me: ok. u remember what u told me. once only. but what i heard form sasha doesnt quite telly with what u said.
u go call sasha now. and clear things with her. then u tell me whose lying.

i hang up. then he calls back, and still unconvincingly tries to save his ass.
got sasha's number and called her.
guess what? justin actually called her to cover up for him if i asked anything.
she even put him on speaker just so her friend could hear what justin said..so she could prove she wasnt lying.
and he told her to lie that they only went out once.
Sasha had her friend to tell me what happened.
fuck shit i heard.
and i got more than what i bargained for.
sasha told me he kissed her.. not the one at hendrix. but one of the dates...
i was shocked... i didnt know what to say.
justin, sasha and i had a conference call.

obviously, sasha did not cover up for him, or lie to me for him.
thanx girl. i appreciated that.

Sasha: so justin, how times did we go out?
justin: once...only at yishun.
sasha: then what about the suntec issue??
justin: huh? which one. (fuck justin, dont play dumb)
sasha: com'on la justin. dont lie to her just tell her everything. theres no point lying to her.
justin keeps quiet.
me: so what was that suntec thing??? u tell me now.
justin: that was long time ago. I FORGOT. (pls,,,tts a fucking lame excuse)
sasha: and ya justin. u kissed me also at suntec. admit it.
justin keeps quiet.
me: so??
justin: ya i did...

i hung up...

i was so upset....i didnt know what to do.
i looked for angie.. told her what justin did.
and started tearing in front of her. i just couldnt control the tearing from forming in my eyes.
i needed a hug badly from her.
she pulled me out of the club...and i just kept tearing away.
told her what happened. and i cried my heart out.
i can only bring myself to cry in front of her. i didnt want other ppl to see me cry..

he called.
i called him a bastard. for lying to me.
his reason for kissing sasha? oh, i needed someone. and u werent there, so i kissed her.
so what? u go around kissing girls just because i dont talk to u?
u know u cant buy ur way with that justin. y even bother explaining then.
and yes. u didnt expect sasha to betray u.
dont u even dare blame her. u even wanted her to lie for u...
girls arent that stupid to cover up for your misdeeds.

yea, so what if u realised u are a jerk now?? isnt it too late?
and u even dared to ask for forgiveness. fuck, u dont even feel remorse for what u did to me...
u even had the cheek to tell shaun and other people i was cheating on u. LOOK WHOSE TALKING?

let me tell u now.
i admit it...i was tempted to cheat on u. but did i? NO
Y? because i know i loved u and i didnt want to hurt u.
but u were so insensitive to even consider how i feel....
this isnt the first time u hurt me...but time again, i forgie u. i tell myself that u love me a lot, u wouldnt hurt anymore.
but again, u do it....
the first time u hurt me, u promised me u wouldnt hurt me again...
u promised me u wouldnt touch another girl.
u told me u would love me with all ur heart...
u made me believe all this...but look what uve done now?

i hate u so much i wanna kill u now...
i wanna hurt u...physically, emotionally...
i want to u feel guilty every minute u breathe.
but whats the point? ill be the one feeling even more hurt...
i dont even know why im crying now. ure not worth my tears at all...

i hate it when u play innocent...
den u lead people into thinking im the one whose hurting u..
how can u do that to me?
everyone thinks im the one whose in the wrong.
i despise u...
yea.. i wanna blog so much about how u cheated on me. influenced people into thinking i was the one in the wrong. and looks deceive. yeau only LOOK innocent. but ure not. u think u insisted that u never lied to me. lying through ur teeth like tt. and i believe that ure a bastard now, only if i had known earlier. i want eveyrone to know what a big bastard u r.. so that they will never judge me again. that they wont think im the one whose being unfaithful. that u are the one who substitues me with any girl just because i dont talk to u. what the fuck gives u the right to do this to me?? yea...so what if i wasnt there for u that time? it certainly doesnt give u the right to cheat on me does it? rememebr the times when u hurt me? i could easily cheat on u.. but i never thot of lying in other guy's arms just to seek comfort.
tell me what i did to deserve this?

yea. cherish ur friends....shaun and e rest. they are really ur buddies. they kept it from me when u were dancing so intimately with sasha. they will lie bout anything. just to cover up for u. yea, they didnt spare a thought about me. how i would feel... they didnt respect my right for knowing. u should treasure them, dont lose them. they even told my friends to keep shut about it. gosh, where can u find such NICE friends? jeez. thanx guys. and i thought our friendship meant somethign. just when i felt that we had a clsoe bond, u destroyed my belief in trust and friendship.
and please, why the fuck do i deserve this? when i dance with guys, i dont even have any body contact. have any of u seen me touch a guy from e club? so why does justin get special privilege?just because he's ur friend? i dont establish body with guys in e club not because i know tt u guys are watching, but because i have a boyfriend and i know my limits.
jeez, im really disppointed in u guys,. especially u shaun. thanx, well done.

i know many of u would think that im the one who treats justin bad and all. but seriously, dont be a one-sided person. u forgot to hear what i have to say too....

i cried....cried so much over what u did to me.
now my eyes so swollen, and im so tired from all that crying.
i just want to sleep and forget all this.
and start the day afresh.
i had to chance it all out. nicole was sleeping in her room. and i was in the room next door, alone.
no one to watch me tear, no one to laugh at my misery.
and i could cry it all out. without anyone knowing..
it felt good crying. there was hardly a chance for me to express the hurt and anger inme because there were people all around me. for that moment, i felt like i was in my own world. no one to judge me when i cry.

there's so much for me to say, but im too exhausted to think anymore..
just wanna close my eyes...

the lass reminisces at 7:37:00 PM [comment]

she is falling low.find her escape.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Like a child without shelter

lately, i've been contacting some old pals.
it was good to hear their voices after so long.
somehow, that familiarity in their voice no longer seems like before.
so distant. so stranger to me.
maybe we've been away from each other for too long.
or we're not the same person anymore.

there's this girl who used to be a close friend.
i had totally no means of contact with after we left primary school.
i tried very hard to get her number after a year or so, but sadly, no one i knew had her number.
at times, when i was down or needed to hug someone, she would appear in my thoughts.
she was there for me those years.
i heard that she moved house twice. and she never seemed to keep her number.
it was upsetting. =(

later, i actually found out she was my related to one of my friends.
what a coincidence. yep.
we met up a couple of times and stuff.
talked bout e old times.

i was really taken back when she told me this.
she said she could sense disappointment and misery when i spoke.
and i seem to be more reserved now when discussing topics relating my personal life.
that i seem to be on my guard, weary of what i should or should not say.
i didnt seem like that jovial person she knew. that would laugh at anything silly, even though there were dark clouds.
she saw through me.

maybe she really does know me well.
i didnt tell her about what was going on in my world.
just the casual chitchat about school and life.

what she said made me think quite a bit...
maybe i am feeling very miserable inside. but i choose to ignore it.
i choose to pretend and forget these awful feelings.
i choose to let my head lead ahead of my emotions.
im not sure thats what i want. but i do know i feel safe shunning away from all these.

shes right. i feel abandoned. like a child without shelter.
without the roof that i call home. filled with all the love.
the sense of security it would give me.
im left alone. on my own. to face this evil force, loneliness.
that once blissful and contented jann is no longer around.
now that exists is just a lonely, terrified and lost me.
there's no one whom i can really turn to now.
yea. i do have friends around me, but to what extend are they able to love me?
confiding and sharing my problems? if it was that easy, i would have tons of good friends by now.
but no. his is reality. and such fantasies do not happen in reality.

what a friend told me is very true.
a friend who is willing to sacrifice eveyrthing for u doesnt exist.
which friend is willing to be ur spare tyre when u are not on talking terms w ur bf, then desert her again when u two are back together?
which friend who would put aside all her activites just to keep u company?
which friend would support u in everything for the benefit of yourself at the expense of hers?
which friend keeps inside her all the disatisfactions for fear of losing u?
which friend that breaks up with her boyfriend just becoz u dont think much of him?
which friend set asides her shopping list just so she could help u out in ur fanancial situation?
its true, but im one such friend. stupid and naive. that was before.
i cant be sure if i wouldnt do it again, for the sake of friendship.

over the years, ive had a couple of best friends. they come and go.
our friendship either turns sour because they(e female ones) get jealous over some issues or they(e male ones) fall for me.
yea. i always believed that there was nothing strong enough to break through our friendship. but i was wrong.
we are humans. and humans make mistakes, they sin. thats why we were made to be punished in this world.
it never occured to me. jealousy could play such an important role in friendship. neither did i expect this stupid emotion to tear us apart. i belittled its significance. i really hate it. to lose a wonderful friendship is the same as losing that shelter over ur head. if i could go back in time, i would have taken notice of the little details that caused me to lose our amity.
and as far as i loath to have a guy friend as my best friend, i never rule out that possibility.
i know that strong friendships with an opposite sex will one way or another evolve into something of much importance.
ive experienced it twice now. the feeling really sucks.
to me, friendship is much more imperative than any other relationship. id rather lose a guy i love than a friend who is true.

i still feel this way.
but eveyrthing still seems ambiguous to me.
even though i respect and love my friends, why do i still experience negative vibes from them?
why do some of them even misjudge me? why wont they spent a little more time to understand me rather than shut me out?
why do they shun me? issit because im not good enough for them? or that they dont need me anymore?
how can they grow out of our friendship just like that?
yes. people change. im aware of that. but feelings cant be thrown away just like tt can it? like it just a passing cloud...
im naive. i cant change that. but you dont have me to take advantage of that.
i offer u my sincere friendship, yet it gets dumped in e trash like a pile of used and unwanted clothes.
maybe im too blind to see that im being made used of?
i dunno. im still in my blind world. Living this surreal life and mistaking it as genuinely.



.:.Goodbye.:.

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.





the lass reminisces at 1:52:00 AM [comment]

she is falling low.find her escape.

Monday, August 25, 2003

You are a Look Before You Leap, Yellow Light Dater

When it comes to the dating game, you fall in the middle

You aren't going to ask out any cute guy that comes your way

That doesn't mean you're a total wall-flower though.

You'll smile and flirt - for the Mr. Almost Perfect.



You're online dating style?

You're wired to spend time reading profiles carefully

Once you figure out what you want, you'll make a few connections



Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

this is so me. jeez. its true i spent a lot of time checking out on e guy's info before i actually strike. heh.

the lass reminisces at 8:04:00 AM [comment]

she is falling low.find her escape.